Fitting Room Funk

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Last week at my meeting, we talked about the idea of “acting as if”.  Act as if you are thin, act as if you are confident,  perfect, happy, stress free, etc.  While sitting there, I realized that I needed to take some of this advice.

For years, I have lived in a world of only buying clothes when I absolutely have to.  Firstly, I feel guilty spending money on myself and second, I feel as though I cannot justify the spending when I hate the way I look and am buying things because they fit and not necessarily because I love them.  While this makes sense in my head, it makes no sense on most mornings while standing in my closet in my underwear  (sorry for the visual) staring at the same ten things and feeling blahhhh (for lack of a better term).

So in the middle of the meeting, I decided that I was going to suck it up and try to shop for things that fit, that I actually like, that make me feel good, etc.  Sometimes, when I get into this mindset it is great. It’s important to note here that one of my other issues is that I only really have success at limited stores. And let’s be honest, if I am going to subject myself to shopping, am only willing to go to these places.  For curiosity’s sake, they include The Loft, Target, Old Navy and The Gap.  I like these places because they are not overly priced and they make me feel justified in spending the money and the time.  They also seem to fit me well when I am not at my ideal size.

Last week ran away from me and so my husband, sister, son and I ventured off to the outlets yesterday in order to shop.  Upon entering the Loft, I found a number of items that I liked (yay…score one for me).  I walked into the dressing room with about 12-15 items on my arm and began to try them on.  Item by item, my feelings of hope depleted.  Nothing looked good, fit right, etc.  I seem to be in between a large and an extra large right now and so things were either too big or a bit too snug for my liking.

This is another issue with trying to build a wardrobe when you have nothing.  It’s either all or nothing in the store.  Either you find a million things you love or nada.  It was a nada day.

Now picture this…As I am standing there, half dressed in an oversized Loft sweater and my own jeans (that are too big, but fit well enough) fighting, with every ounce of my being, the desire to simultaneously start sobbing and picking myself apart, my younger, very sweet sister who I completely adore is in the dressing room across from me also trying on clothes.  My sister is ten years younger than me, a perfect body (I am not exaggerating…she looks the way I used to look before I learned the joys of emotionally eating).  She is an extra small on a good day, a size two in pants, flat stomach, tiny legs with a big, large, compassionate heart and kind eyes to match.  So she is in the dressing room across from me complaining about how nothing fits right and she might need a petite and “oh-woe-is meing” that her shirt is too long a looks like a dress (which, by the way, it didn’t…) and I wanted to scream.  I literarily gathered up the battlefield of failed attempts that hung in front of me, dropped them on the “changed my mind” rack and meandered my way to my husband who was happily waiting on a bench with the baby.

I swear normally I do not size-shame anyone, big or small.  I understand that everyone has their insecurities and I try to be positive regarding everyone’s feelings.  However, yesterday in that dressing room, I felt more defeated and frustrated than I had in a long, long time.

I am big on self-reflection and so the point of my writing this is the following:

  1. To share/remind you that you are not alone in feeling this way (and, honestly, I know that I am not either.  But it doesn’t feel good when you are experiencing the sadness of it).
  2. To process the feelings.  Before the baby, I had an easy time processing “the feelings” and I think part of my struggle comes back to what it always does, not having as much time to worry about me (this is actually great sometimes, but functions as a major hindrance others).

What I have deducted is this…

  1.  In typical Lisa fashion I am trying to do too much all at once.
  2. The Lisa on Weight Watchers that I was BB (before baby) cannot be the Lisa that I am now.  Most of the time, I LOVE the Lisa that I am now, but sometimes I wish that I could hang onto some of the old Lee, too.  For example, my parents watched the baby overnight on Saturday so that my husband and I could attend a good friend’s surprise party.  The next morning, I was up before the hubby (isn’t it funny how when you actually can sleep late, you never do) and decided I would meal prep a bit by making a delicious WW quiche recipe (I’ll share it later).  Granted I wound up not being able to make the quiche because one of the ingredients I needed was expired, it didn’t matter.  I had forgotten how nice it was to cook without a little person grabbing at your feet, requesting milk, to play, to color, etc.  I didn’t identify how much cooking had become a chore until that moment.  I never minded cooking, but as of late, I struggle to not just order in every night.   And then, of course, as I sat there explaining this to my husband (and even as I tap the keys of my computer now), the mom guilt set in.  I love the little man like crazy; I just miss being able to cook in peace and that’s okay, too).
  3. I am having a really hard time with the stuff that comes up each week.  For example, the start of my week (tracking-wise) is Saturday, and of course, this Saturday, I had the party.  I planned to eat well, but once I was there and starving, the delicious, homemade latin food set me off.  I ate a HUGE helping of rice and beans, chicken, pernil, and potato salad (all very point-unfriendly items).  That doesn’t include the plate of cheese and crackers that I picked on or the wine I drank while I waited for the guest of honor to arrive.  Frankly, I enjoyed every bite, taste and sip and was okay with my decisions.  I actually tracked everything, but then met my parents out for breakfast the next morning and then set myself on a downward spiral for the rest of the day.  Then, I started beating myself up which led to more emotional eating.  It’s like I cannot get out of my own way.  And while I am being completely honest, I haven’t tracked on a weekend in as long as I can remember.  So how can I expect to lose weight if I am not following the plan (which includes weekends, I know).  Now, on Wednesday I have Valentine’s day and then next week we are going to Vermont with friends (which is always just a glutton fest–tons of drinking and eating crap).  I feel like I keep getting slammed with obstacles and I keep quitting because of it. I just want a normal, regular week where food temptations aren’t surrounding me from all angles.

**I apologize for my stream of consciousness thinking and venting right now, but that’s where I am at and I think the feelings are communicated and discarded better this way.

So the moral of the story is a I need to start slow and make a plan and take care of myself.  The issue is that this is always the moral of the story and I cannot seem to get it through my thick-ass head!

Lost and Found, January 2018

Losses:

I haven’t lost any real weight.  In fact, I found some old pounds, lost them and then gained them again.

I’ve still lost myself, my motivation, my desire to write, or blog, or eat well or plan, etc.  I want it so badly, and yet I cannot seem to find the spark necessary to get started.  I’ve embraced the new plan, and yet, I do not want to plan.  Ironic, huh?

Findings:

I am embarrassed to come on here and share my new goals, new ideas, fresh start, only to be back in the same predicament as I was before.  I wanted this blog to be motivating, and yet I cannot seem to find anything to make it just that.

I “found” Orange Theory fitness, which I actually quite enjoyed.  I joined, but then got really ill last weekend and was unable to attend.  My next scheduled class is this Saturday, so I am hoping that will help to motivate me to move a little more and eat a little less.  My plan is to attend at least two days a week for now, until I can build up my endurance.  I then may consider adding an additional day to the week.  For now, I think two days is doable and a fair goal, considering my mo is to over plan and then become discouraged when I cannot keep up.

 

I’m Baaaccckkk…

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Sorry for the hiatus.  I just haven’t been feeling the writing vibe, or any vibe for that matter.  I am overwhelmed, under slept, blah blah blah, but I am sure you really don’t want to hear about how I am struggling, post after post, and so I took a little break.  From weight loss, from reading, from manicures, from myself.  Except, you really can’t do that, can you?  Because when you stop taking care of yourself, everything else just starts to feel off.  You’d think I would have learned this by now.  I understand it in my head…I am trying to get my heart to follow suit.

Anyhow, one thing that is helping me to become re-motivated is the new Weight Watchers Freestyle Plan.  I am one of those people (don’t present that you aren’t, too) who gets super excited over plan changes/adjustments, etc.  They always seem to give me the little kick in the rump that I need.  To be honest, I always felt there was something missing since re-joining after having the baby.  I was back in school (to earn my admin. degree) and then pregnant soon after, so I missed the whole Smart Points roll out.  I know that many people struggled with the transition–especially when their beloved cookies went from four to eleven points.  When I rejoined, I assumed my lack of motivation/true success was my own fault.  While I still wholeheartedly agree that’s a huge part of it, I also feel as though the newer plan lacked the livability that the previous one had.

Something that is currently getting in my way is all of the events of November/December.  I feel like I just don’t want to get started (that’s not entirely true…I want to get started, I just can’t get out of my own way long enough to make any sort of progress).  I keep pushing everything in the area of self-care/weight loss/etc. to tomorrow, next week, Tuesday, January, etc.  Listen, I am a realist.  I started this blog about a year ago.  I’ve pushed it off so much, I can soon have myself a little anniversary party to celebrate all of my tomorrow plans.

Something’s gotta give and that something is ME!  I know this, but it hasn’t quite set in yet.  How does the saying go? Slow and steady wins the race…at this point, I have to be taking the lead!

 

Meal Prep Monday

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The longer I am on this journey, the more important I realize it is to meal prep. Meal prep is not only helpful on a weight loss journey, but also really helpful if you’re just busy.  By taking some time to prepare easy to grab items, I am able to spend less time thinking about what to pack, and more time doing the things that matter.

In order to set myself up for a strong start this week (and get back my mojo), I decided to  focus on preparing breakfasts for the week.  I find when I do this, I have much more success than when I am left to decide, last minute, in what I like to call “grab and go” mode.

In addition to meal prep, I also always create a weekly menu from which I use to complete my weekly grocery list. Although all of these require some initial dedication, in the end, it saves me time and helps to make the mornings and evenings a bit easier.

This week, I made the following recipes: Kodiak Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Muffins and Mini Phyllo Quiches. The muffin recipe was shared by someone in my Weight Watchers group and the quiches were inspired by a recipe I saw on another page. I plan on having one muffin and a serving of quiches for breakfast Monday-Wednesday this week.  Stay tuned for Thursday-Saturday’s breakfasts.


Kodiak Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Muffins

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  • 2 cups Kodiak Buttermilk Pancake/Waffle Mix
  • 15 ounce can of pumpkin (not pumpkin pie mix)
  • 1/4 cup honey
  • 1 egg
  • 1/2 cup chocolate chips (I used mini morsels)
  • 1 tsp. vanilla

Mix all ingredients together.  Evenly disperse among 12 cupcake liners. Bake at 350 for 25 minutes.

Makes 12 muffins at 5 Smart Points each.


Mini Phyllo Quiches

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  • 1/3 cup liquid egg whites
  • 1/3 cup egg substitute
  • 1/4 small green pepper chopped
  • 1 ounce of Boar’s Head Low Sodium, Low Fat American Cheese (or any cheese you like–will change points value)
  • 30 mini phyllo shells (I used the Athens brand:  2 packages, 15 shells in each box)
  • 3 slices of Oscar Meyer Fully Cooked Bacon, chopped into small pieces

Preheat oven to 350.  Spray bottom of pan with cooking spray.  Place shells on pan. Evenly fill each shell with peppers, cheese, bacon and egg mixture. Heat for 8-10 minutes or until eggs are cooked. To reheat, microwave or toast.

Makes 6 servings (5 mini quiches each) at 3 Smart Points per serving.