Why I haven’t been around…

That Feeling....jpg

I am not sure if anyone is reading this.  I suppose that at the end of the day,  I really just need to write this for myself, anyway (though I am glad to share if anyone is there).

For the life of me I cannot commit myself to this journey.  I’ve stopped writing about it because I (as I believe I’ve mentioned before) am sick of hearing myself say it.  Besides, what’s the point of writing if nothing changes.  But I feel like I need to get the feelings out there.

I’ve not felt quite like myself in some time.  Lately, especially, I have a constant feeling of anxiousness pressing at my chest.  Yesterday, we had a snow day from school and I decided to visit two Oprah Magazines I had sitting in my drawer.  One of them discussed quieting your mind and just listening to your body.  This spinning, whirly, adrenaline-filled, thumping weight on my heart is trying to tell me something. It’s impacting most parts of my life, and I want need to figure out just what it is.

As I’ve mentioned before, I truly believe that the universe sends us signs/messages that we are meant to receive so long as we are open to hearing them.  The other day, I was thinking about what exactly needed to happen in order for everything to click and fall into its proverbial place.  As I logged onto my computer to visit a blog I check often, I found this post.  Moments before, I had literally been thinking of this very thought.

“Lisa, you know what you need to do….why is it so difficult to get it done?”

Clearly the universe, sort of like the Amazon Alexa, is always listening.

After reading that post, the first thing that stuck was the idea of a “life” plan.  For the longest time, I’ve wanted to write down my “plan” for losing the weight and focusing on myself.  Story of my life, I never got around to it.  Piggybacking off of that, the second thing that stuck out to me was the idea that we have to stop making the same old excuses.  How many of us say “I’ll start tomorrow, next week, after Christmas, on the third Tuesday of April…”?  As part of my making a plan, I also need to address how I will deal with the excuses I make to get around doing what I need to do. My biggest one…time.  There is time.  I need to make myself a priority, even if it has to be at 4:30 am.

As an aside (though it connects, I swear) last Monday, I decided I would make it a point to wake up early enough to blow-dry my hair straight.   When I do so, I feel better about myself, which directly impacts my decisions, attitude, etc. for the day.  Of course, my son also decided to wake up early, my husband was moving more slowly than usually, etc. leading to me not getting to do the one thing I wanted to do for myself that day.  Later, my husband, feeling bad because he knew that it was my one tiny desire of the day, said to me, “How much earlier can you wake up?” My response, which I was shocked to hear coming out of my mouth, “As early as it takes to make sure I take care of me.”

Did I follow through with that in the days following? No.

But the words simply leaving my lips were a big step.

For me, I know part of my success is directly linked to the physical act of writing out my plan, my struggles, etc.  Something tells me that if I make a constant and purposeful effort to quiet my mind from everything else I need to worry about throughout my day to simply worry about myself, that nagging feeling in my chest and heart will subside.  I think it’s my body’s way of telling me to focus on my heart…on loving myself.

I don’t want to look back at this life with a bunch of “I wish I hads…” and “If I had onlys…”

I want to LIVE my life–wildly, passionately and presently.

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