Last week at my meeting, we talked about the idea of “acting as if”. Act as if you are thin, act as if you are confident, perfect, happy, stress free, etc. While sitting there, I realized that I needed to take some of this advice.
For years, I have lived in a world of only buying clothes when I absolutely have to. Firstly, I feel guilty spending money on myself and second, I feel as though I cannot justify the spending when I hate the way I look and am buying things because they fit and not necessarily because I love them. While this makes sense in my head, it makes no sense on most mornings while standing in my closet in my underwear (sorry for the visual) staring at the same ten things and feeling blahhhh (for lack of a better term).
So in the middle of the meeting, I decided that I was going to suck it up and try to shop for things that fit, that I actually like, that make me feel good, etc. Sometimes, when I get into this mindset it is great. It’s important to note here that one of my other issues is that I only really have success at limited stores. And let’s be honest, if I am going to subject myself to shopping, am only willing to go to these places. For curiosity’s sake, they include The Loft, Target, Old Navy and The Gap. I like these places because they are not overly priced and they make me feel justified in spending the money and the time. They also seem to fit me well when I am not at my ideal size.
Last week ran away from me and so my husband, sister, son and I ventured off to the outlets yesterday in order to shop. Upon entering the Loft, I found a number of items that I liked (yay…score one for me). I walked into the dressing room with about 12-15 items on my arm and began to try them on. Item by item, my feelings of hope depleted. Nothing looked good, fit right, etc. I seem to be in between a large and an extra large right now and so things were either too big or a bit too snug for my liking.
This is another issue with trying to build a wardrobe when you have nothing. It’s either all or nothing in the store. Either you find a million things you love or nada. It was a nada day.
Now picture this…As I am standing there, half dressed in an oversized Loft sweater and my own jeans (that are too big, but fit well enough) fighting, with every ounce of my being, the desire to simultaneously start sobbing and picking myself apart, my younger, very sweet sister who I completely adore is in the dressing room across from me also trying on clothes. My sister is ten years younger than me, a perfect body (I am not exaggerating…she looks the way I used to look before I learned the joys of emotionally eating). She is an extra small on a good day, a size two in pants, flat stomach, tiny legs with a big, large, compassionate heart and kind eyes to match. So she is in the dressing room across from me complaining about how nothing fits right and she might need a petite and “oh-woe-is meing” that her shirt is too long a looks like a dress (which, by the way, it didn’t…) and I wanted to scream. I literarily gathered up the battlefield of failed attempts that hung in front of me, dropped them on the “changed my mind” rack and meandered my way to my husband who was happily waiting on a bench with the baby.
I swear normally I do not size-shame anyone, big or small. I understand that everyone has their insecurities and I try to be positive regarding everyone’s feelings. However, yesterday in that dressing room, I felt more defeated and frustrated than I had in a long, long time.
I am big on self-reflection and so the point of my writing this is the following:
- To share/remind you that you are not alone in feeling this way (and, honestly, I know that I am not either. But it doesn’t feel good when you are experiencing the sadness of it).
- To process the feelings. Before the baby, I had an easy time processing “the feelings” and I think part of my struggle comes back to what it always does, not having as much time to worry about me (this is actually great sometimes, but functions as a major hindrance others).
What I have deducted is this…
- In typical Lisa fashion I am trying to do too much all at once.
- The Lisa on Weight Watchers that I was BB (before baby) cannot be the Lisa that I am now. Most of the time, I LOVE the Lisa that I am now, but sometimes I wish that I could hang onto some of the old Lee, too. For example, my parents watched the baby overnight on Saturday so that my husband and I could attend a good friend’s surprise party. The next morning, I was up before the hubby (isn’t it funny how when you actually can sleep late, you never do) and decided I would meal prep a bit by making a delicious WW quiche recipe (I’ll share it later). Granted I wound up not being able to make the quiche because one of the ingredients I needed was expired, it didn’t matter. I had forgotten how nice it was to cook without a little person grabbing at your feet, requesting milk, to play, to color, etc. I didn’t identify how much cooking had become a chore until that moment. I never minded cooking, but as of late, I struggle to not just order in every night. And then, of course, as I sat there explaining this to my husband (and even as I tap the keys of my computer now), the mom guilt set in. I love the little man like crazy; I just miss being able to cook in peace and that’s okay, too).
- I am having a really hard time with the stuff that comes up each week. For example, the start of my week (tracking-wise) is Saturday, and of course, this Saturday, I had the party. I planned to eat well, but once I was there and starving, the delicious, homemade latin food set me off. I ate a HUGE helping of rice and beans, chicken, pernil, and potato salad (all very point-unfriendly items). That doesn’t include the plate of cheese and crackers that I picked on or the wine I drank while I waited for the guest of honor to arrive. Frankly, I enjoyed every bite, taste and sip and was okay with my decisions. I actually tracked everything, but then met my parents out for breakfast the next morning and then set myself on a downward spiral for the rest of the day. Then, I started beating myself up which led to more emotional eating. It’s like I cannot get out of my own way. And while I am being completely honest, I haven’t tracked on a weekend in as long as I can remember. So how can I expect to lose weight if I am not following the plan (which includes weekends, I know). Now, on Wednesday I have Valentine’s day and then next week we are going to Vermont with friends (which is always just a glutton fest–tons of drinking and eating crap). I feel like I keep getting slammed with obstacles and I keep quitting because of it. I just want a normal, regular week where food temptations aren’t surrounding me from all angles.
**I apologize for my stream of consciousness thinking and venting right now, but that’s where I am at and I think the feelings are communicated and discarded better this way.
So the moral of the story is a I need to start slow and make a plan and take care of myself. The issue is that this is always the moral of the story and I cannot seem to get it through my thick-ass head!