On Loss, not of the weight variety…

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While at the grocery store yesterday, I walked by the mother’s day cards during my trek to the frozen section.  On my way towards the registers, I decided to stop and pick up some cards.  I chose one for my godmother, the grandmas (from my son), and then perused the cards for something for my own mom.

As I mentioned in the “About” section, my mom died when I was ten, so when I refer to my mom I am actually talking about my step mom.  When I was younger, I remember striving to find the perfect, most meaningful card.  I wanted so badly for her to love me, like me even, and I thought this was one of the ways to do so.

When I was in my early twenties, I decided that I needed to go to therapy.  I had experienced a bad breakup and all of the other internal emotions that had built up over the past ten years suddenly came to a head.  During therapy, I learned that children who suffer from loss and are thrown into a new relationship often go one of two ways:  they yearn for the person to like them OR they hate the person and put up a wall.  I clearly chose the first of the two.

As I got older and became more in tune with my grief and feelings of abandonment, I was able to see more clearly the emotional abuse that I had been put through during a very vulnerable period in my life.  In this time of clarity, I became less interested in trying to please, impress or earn the love of my step mother and more in line with accepting the hand that I had been dealt.

Many years have past, yet I still feel that sting of pain (knowingly or not) when I think of all I missed out on because of my mother’s death. I say knowingly or not, because a sadness still sweeps over me during certain times and, though it always comes–like the summer heat and winter snow– it blindsides me as though it’s something new.  It almost always happens near her birthday, her death day, and Mother’s Day.  More recently, I’ve felt the pang of loss as I’ve experienced major life events. My wedding, the birth of my child, Mother’s day as a mother, with a newfound understanding of the depth of love a parent, more so a mother, has for a child.

This past week, I’ve felt so heavy and yet could not put my finger on the reason. In searching for a mother’s day card, it suddenly hit me.  It was mother’s day…no wonder I’ve felt so full of gloom.  I became full of frustration and tears as I looked through the poetry of each card, reminding me of this great and powerful love, almost an enigma,  that I am lucky to have experienced for a little while, but am so unfortunate to have lost so young.

The death of my mother is so much a part of my identity that I often forget the power it has over me.  The moment I acknowledged and recognized the reason behind my sadness, it was like a thousand bricks suddenly began to crumble from the depths of my soul.

I still work hard, almost daily, to find a “place on the shelf” (as my husband calls it) for my step mother.  Like a puzzle, I struggled for so long to fit her into a spot where she was not meant to be placed.  In recent years, I’ve become less disappointed by what she’s not and have learned that she, herself,  has many of her own underlying issues that cause her to act the way that she does.  She has done the best with the tools she was given.  And though I’ve accepted that my puzzle will never be complete due to a missing piece, I’m still working on reminding myself that this “new” piece was never meant to fit in its place.


For any other motherless daughters out there, here is a link to a great book.  I’ve read it numerous times throughout my life and each time, something else has spoken that I hadn’t noticed before.  More importantly, it’s helped to remember I am not alone in my feelings.

Find Your Intention

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I wish that I could share that I’ve had some epiphany over the past week.  That everything has fallen into place and that I am no longer having a hard time.  That I have lost a significant amount of weight, remained within my points, put myself first, or any of those other things that I’ve said I’d do, but I haven’t.

I’ve been hesitant to write another post about my difficulty.  I want to be a success story, but I realize that along with being a success story is sharing the struggles.  I’d be lying or not using this place for its purpose if I didn’t write about the hard times.  The heavy, sad, tough stuff that I am very presently dealing with right now.  It’s here and it’s happening.  Embarrassing or not, doing well or not, I need to share it.

I’ve been toying with quitting Weight Watchers and trying the 21 Day Fix again.  I did it for a about three weeks (before I was even pregnant with the baby) and had some success.  I saw results quickly, but as I just mentioned, I lasted on it for about three weeks.  I attribute this to a few things, but the main one being that it was very strict and difficult to follow…especially because I cook for both myself and my husband and it was a lot to plan for two people.  I also couldn’t seem to find my rhythm in terms of food prep.

Let’s be honest, what I am looking for are dramatic results.  As with the 21 Day Fix, I’ve had those type of results with Weight Watchers before, too.  Want to know what the trick is?  Following the damn plan, whatever it is!

Before making the decision to cancel Weight Watchers, I decided that I would do something that I had planned to do when I first started and work through the Oprah videos.  Some might disagree, but I find her inspiring, honest, etc.  I had told myself when I first began in January that I would make the time to watch her weekly installments, but did I?  No.  Things just got in the way.

As I’ve mentioned before, I believe the universe gives you what you need at the exact time that you need it so long as you are listening.  All of its whispers came together today.

**Forgive me if the following seems all over the place,  it will all fall into place, I promise!

Despite not following the plan whole heartedly over the past few weeks, I have been attending my Weight Watchers meetings.  As my leader says, bring the body and the mind will follow.  My mind is on vacation somewhere, but the old body is still in the green seat each week!

This week at my meeting, a lifetime member was sharing her struggle with keeping her “why” nearby.  There were a number of outside sources presently standing in her way.  Another woman shared that when she was experiencing similar feelings last January, she decided it would be the year of me.  She shared that at first her family wasn’t crazy about this change, but that it made her better in the end.  A better mom, friend, wife, etc.  She said it was really hard, but it helped to clear her mind and truly changed her life.  She added that she also journaled her feelings throughout the day and week in an effort to get them out of her mind and onto the paper.

This brings me to today.  I sat down at my computer and, feeling in need of a bit of “me time”, I decided to watch the next video in Oprah’s installment (Intention is Your Compass–January 12, 2017*).

During the installment, Oprah discussed the importance of living with intention.  She shared that with anything in her life, she always asks herself, “Why am I doing this?” If her answer does not match her intention, she does not do it.  How seldom do we stop and ask ourselves the reasoning behind our actions/decisions?

How important is this–not only during this journey, but with any path that proves difficult?  To simply question our reasoning behind the actions, as well as whether or not it matches the path we’ve intended for our life?

She also shared that we must be diligent in not allowing the business of life to get in the way of our intentions.  We need to ask ourselves, “Why am I doing this?” because, according to Oprah, “The energy behind the intention decides the outcome.”  If what we are doing does not serve our intention, then quite simply, we should not be doing it.

It isn’t any different with weight loss. We must decide our intention for losing the weight and keep if at the forefront of our mind.

We need to be selfish.  We need to ask ourselves, “What am I going to do to help me today?”  Because continuing to eat the food to drown the sorrows, to push ourselves to the max with little time to do the things we love,  to give and give and give and not replenish our souls isn’t going to help us to be our best selves.  And in being our best selves, we will improve the quality of our own lives, but all the lives of all those surrounding us.

As the woman in meeting stated, I need to work on putting myself first.  And so I am going to spend the remainder of the day thinking about the intention behind my weight loss because this is my first step. This is my written acknowledgement.


*None of my posts are endorsed by Weight Watchers.  I simply share what I experience and feel in relation to the program and the tools that have been provided.  If you are a WW member, you can find her installments by logging into the WW website, clicking “Living” on the top left and then on Oprah (right below).   If you are not a WW member, I still think much of what I write here is applicable. I’ve found the feelings of weight loss are similar, regardless of the program.

Menu: April 30-May 5, 2017

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Sunday, April 30:  Grilled Chicken Kabobs with Red Onion and Red Peppers over Seeds of Change Garlic Quinoa and Brown Rice with a side of classic hummus for dipping and 1.5 Joseph’s Pita (12 points)

Monday, May 1:  Out to eat (late night at work)

Tuesday, May 2:  Skinnytaste Giant Turkey Meatball Parmesan on french bread with a side salad (13 points)

Wednesday, May 3:   Baked Dijon Salmon  over Seeds of Change Garlic Quinoa (16 points)

Thursday, May 4:   Chicken Fajitas (using the recipe on the fajita mix package) with Baked Scoops and Salsa (12 points)

Friday, May 5:  Skinnytaste Fast and Slow Spaghetti Squash with Garlic and Oil with Garlic Bread (10 points)