I’ve been struggling. I’ve been struggling more than I care to admit and definitely more than I’ve shared here. Internally, I’ve been yearning for an “a ha” moment. That period where it all clicks and you move on your merry way. I think it happened for me on Sunday. I think it happened and yet I am scared out of my mind to admit it because I don’t want to fail again. I don’t want to let myself down, nor do I want everyone else around me to look at me like a failure. But, I started this blog to function as a release, a place where I could vent and let out my feelings…
On Sunday, I had a baby shower. My husband stayed home with the baby. I could tell that he (my husband) was cranky about something, but he wouldn’t say and I had to go. When I got home later in the day, he was sitting on the front porch while the baby napped. I sat with him and asked him why he was upset earlier. Finally ready to share, we had a much needed long talk about the challenges of balancing our new responsibilities as parents with our old responsibilities of being adults. It was awesome.
In the midst of that conversation, I had, what I like to call, a moment of clarity. I remember distinctly sitting there and deciding whether or not I wanted to share with him how I’d been feeling weight wise. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and frankly, I have been trying to lose weight for about 8 of those 10 years. If I were him, I’d probably be sick of listening to me (not that I talk about it all the time or at all, but you know what I am saying).
**Side Note: I am going to get personal here…please be kind.
I brought up intimacy and explained to him that I appreciated that he was attracted to me all the time, but that sometimes, I just didn’t feel that great about myself. He said all of the right things and I know that he meant them, but then he said the best thing of all. He told me that I seem sad. He said he doesn’t know how to describe it, but that he just feels that there is something that is holding me back from being my best self…from being truly happy.
I explained to him that 99.9% of the time, I am quite happy, but that the added weight is the one thing that I wish I could change. I am, what I would consider, fluffy. I am not morbidly obese, in fact, I feel bad saying that I feel so self-conscious about it because I know that there are people who would be glad to look the way that I do. But, I am definitely carrying a few more pounds that I need. Ideally, I would like to lose about 40 pounds.
Anyhow, he looked at me in the eyes and said, “I think you think that the weight is a little thing, but I think it is impacting you more than you know. Honestly, I think it affects every part of your life” And, he is right. It affects my confidence at work, my desire to go out with friends (in fear of not having something to wear), and my overall level of comfort in my own skin. I have accomplished so much in my life. I have a Master’s Degree, a degree in administration, an excellent career, etc. This should be a cake walk and yet it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
I don’t want to live the rest of my life feeling this way. I blame getting this way on the emotional abuse that I had to deal with as a child (finally rearing it’s ugly head on my psyche in my early twenties); however, I cannot give that power any longer. I need to take control and live my best life. For myself, for my husband, for my son, for ME. As my husband said, you are the only one who can change this, if it’s something that is not making you happy. No one can do it, but you. I love you no matter what, but You need to love YOU.