Self Love…You have the Power

Screen Shot 2017-04-26 at 8.54.29 AM

I’ve been struggling.  I’ve been struggling more than I care to admit and definitely more than I’ve shared here.  Internally, I’ve been yearning for an “a ha” moment.  That period where it all clicks and you move on your merry way. I think it happened for me on Sunday.  I think it happened and yet I am scared out of my mind to admit it because I don’t want to fail again.  I don’t want to let myself down, nor do I want everyone else around me to look at me like a failure.  But, I started this blog to function as a release, a place where I could vent and let out my feelings…

On Sunday, I had a baby shower.  My husband stayed home with the baby.  I could tell that he (my husband) was cranky about something, but he wouldn’t say and I had to go.  When I got home later in the day, he was sitting on the front porch while the baby napped.  I sat with him and asked him why he was upset earlier.  Finally ready to share, we had a much needed long talk about the challenges of balancing our new responsibilities as parents with our old responsibilities of being adults.  It was awesome.

In the midst of that conversation, I had, what I like to call, a moment of clarity.  I remember distinctly sitting there and deciding whether or not I wanted to share with him how I’d been feeling weight wise.  My husband and I have been together for 10 years and frankly, I have been trying to lose weight for about 8 of those 10 years. If I were him, I’d probably be sick of listening to me (not that I talk about it all the time or at all, but you know what I am saying).

**Side Note:  I am going to get personal here…please be kind.

I brought up intimacy and explained to him that I appreciated that he was attracted to me all the time, but that sometimes, I just didn’t feel that great about myself.  He said all of the right things and I know that he meant them, but then he said the best thing of all.  He told me that I seem sad.  He said he doesn’t know how to describe it, but that he just feels that there is something that is holding me back from being my best self…from being truly happy.

I explained to him that 99.9% of the time, I am quite happy, but that the added weight is the one thing that I wish I could change.  I am, what I would consider, fluffy.  I am not morbidly obese, in fact, I feel bad saying that I feel so self-conscious about it because I know that there are people who would be glad to look the way that I do. But, I am definitely carrying a few more pounds that I need.  Ideally, I would like to lose about 40 pounds.

Anyhow, he looked at me in the eyes and said, “I think you think that the weight is a little thing, but I think it is impacting you more than you know.  Honestly, I think it affects every part of your life”  And, he is right.  It affects my confidence at work, my desire to go out with friends (in fear of not having something to wear), and my overall level of comfort in my own skin.  I have accomplished so much in my life.  I have a Master’s Degree, a degree in administration, an excellent career, etc.  This should be a cake walk and yet it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

I don’t want to live the rest of my life feeling this way.  I blame getting this way on the emotional abuse that I had to deal with as a child (finally rearing it’s ugly head on my psyche in my early twenties); however, I cannot give that power any longer.  I need to take control and live my best life.  For myself, for my husband, for my son, for ME.  As my husband said, you are the only one who can change this, if it’s something that is not making you happy.  No one can do it, but you.  I love you no matter what, but You need to love YOU.

Screen Shot 2017-04-26 at 8.58.08 AM.png

Menu: April 24-April 28

Forgive me, I forgot to post my menu this weekend.  We, like most, were so busy!

cooking-1013455_1920

Monday- Out to eat due to late night.  We usually go to the local diner and get a late lunch/early dinner.  I typically order the following: An eggbeaters omelette with feta and spinach with potatoes on the side, no toast.  It’s filling and delicious and A LOT of food for 14 points.  I also got a

Tuesday- Tacos.  This week I am going to try to make a burrito bowl consisting of: rice, refried beans, ground beef with taco seasoning, sour cream, tortilla strips, R/F Cheddar, shredded lettuce, and a drizzle of salsa/Sriracha (15 points).

Wednesday–  Skinnytaste Fast and Slow Asiago Chicken with Burnt Broccoli and Simply Potatoes Traditional flavor (16 points).

Thursday-Trader Joe’s Chili Lime Chicken Burger on a Light Bun with Ore Ida Fast Food Fries and Skinnytaste Macaroni Salad (I sub the tomatoes for red peppers) (16 points).

Friday-Grilled Chicken and Vegetable Skewers with Hummus and Seeds of Change Garlic Quinoa and Brown Rice (11 Points)

****I presently get 31 Smart Points a day and find that I have the most success when I have a hearty dinner.  It makes me feel as though I have something to look forward to at the end of the day.  Plus, I like to eat with my husband, so this leaves room to make him something hearty after a long day of work.

Why I eat yogurt, A realization

IMG_0028.JPGI was in a huge rush this morning.  The baby was up last night from 1:02-1:35 am and when he finally fell asleep, I was wide awake.  Needless to say, my husband and I woke up tired!  While I had packed lunch the night before, I did not set anything aside for breakfast.  In our whirlwind of a morning, I ordered my husband and I two muffins along with our usual coffees (thank God for the Dunkin Donuts mobile app!).

Yes the muffin is a lot of points, yes I tracked it, and yes, I enjoyed every last delicious bite!

Funny though, because when I got to work, I remembered that I had set my refrigerator up for the week and included yogurts thinking I would eat them for breakfast or a snack throughout.  In fact, I had planned to make egg cups, but refrained because I wanted to use the yogurts I had purchased first.  As I looked at the yogurt and then back at my beautiful blueberry muffin, I came to the realization that I don’t even really like yogurt.  It’s okay,  but that’s about it.  And, I won’t be successful on this journey with just okay.

So today I will go home and make a set of Sausage, Egg and Cheese Hash Brown cups (using this recipe) and will eat them for breakfast for the next few days.  Then, over the weekend, I will make another serving to keep at school for the week.

Sad that a 19 point muffin taught me this very simple lesson.

Easy Eggplant Parmesan Dinner & Other Trader Joe’s Finds

Over the weekend, I took a trip to Trader Joe’s to pick up some items to help me on my journey to health and fitness. For some reason, shopping for new, healthy foods always helps me to keep focused on my journey.

One of the items that I purchased was the Breaded Eggplant Cutlets, found in the frozen section. Earlier in the week while perusing Weight Watchers connect, someone posted theses as part of their dinner.  My husband worked late last night, so I was on my own for dinner and didn’t feel like making anything crazy.  Forgetting that I had them on my menu for tonight, I decided to make myself an eggplant parmesan sandwich and pair it with a salad made from the Dole Light Caesar Salad Kit.

I baked 3 ounces of the TJ’s eggplant cutlets using a metal pizza pan sprayed with cooking spray to make them extra crispy.  Near the end of their baking time, I threw in a light, whole wheat English muffin topped with about 1/4 cup of shredded mozzarella cheese.  I ate the sandwich open faced and dipped it in a jarred vodka sauce (only because I didn’t have any homemade or jarred tomato sauce on hand).  It was ridiculously good…so good, in fact, that I am leaving it on the menu tonight!  And, I actually loved the vodka sauce so much that I am using it again, too!  The entire meal (with the salad) was 14 points which works for me (I typically spend most of my points on dinner).  I gobbled it up so quickly and didn’t think to take a picture–I’ll post one later tonight after I make dinner.

Some other items that I purchased from Trader Joe’s were…

  • Wine Country Chicken Salad (4 points for 3 ounces)
  • Ezekiel 4:9 Cinnamon Raisin Sprouted Whole Grain Bread (3 points for 1 slice)
  • 90/10 Ground Beef
  • Chicken Breakfast Sausage (to make this Emily Bites breakfast recipe)
  • Chili Lime Chicken Burgers (3 points for 1 burger)
  • Crumbled Goat Cheese (for homemade pizza and/or salads)

UPDATE:  Here is a pic of the eggplant dinner!

IMG_0023.JPG

Menu: April 17-21

cooking-1013455_1920.jpg

  • Monday– TBD
  • Tuesday– Trader Joe’s Eggplant Cutlet Parmesan Hero (15)
  • Wednesday– Weight Watchers Linguine and Clam Sauce (for those of you with online access, recipe here) with Pecorino Romano Cheese (12)
  • Thursday– Skinnytaste Turkey Meatball Stroganoff (Recipe here) with Egg Noodles and Crescent Roll (15)
  • Friday  Trader Joe’s Chili Lime Burger on Whole Wheat English Muffin with Ore Ida Fast Food French Fries (11)

*This is a shortened menu due to Easter.

 

The Struggle is REAL!

Screen Shot 2017-04-13 at 5.05.38 PM.png

I haven’t posted in a while, mainly because life has gotten in the way.  Nothing crazy is going on, in fact, everything is great. But, I started this blog to be honest and to have a place to share when life happens.  And it’s happening.

I have been doing okay with my weight loss since starting over. I use the word okay, because I haven’t been giving it my full focus–frankly, I am half-assing my way along.  In my heart, I want to lose the weight, reach my goal, etc., but life and time and life get in my way.  I am terrible at putting myself first.  In fact, I’ve been wanting to share this post for a while, but that would require me to allot a period of time to myself in order to write.  Also,  I don’t want to sound like a whiny, lazy brat because when all is said and done, I have the power to make the changes and to do or not do what I need to be successful.

And that, to me, is the hardest part.  Clearly, I don’t want this badly enough if I am not taking the steps to make it happen.  I am trying to serve myself a hard dose of reality, to look myself straight in the eye, determine what needs to be done, and do it.  No more bitching about it, no more making big plans and not following through, no more starting over for the umpteenth time.  Do or do not, there is no try.

Now, I am very type A and so writing things down seems to help me to organize my thoughts/create a plan of action.

  1. I think one of the most important things that I need to focus on is making time for myself.  Apparently, I SUCK at this! I love helping other people, but as I’ve heard so many times, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”  I never really understood the importance of this until recently.  I cannot be the best mom, wife, friend, sister, teacher, etc. without first being the best me that I can be.  I just feel selfish doing so. My husband often says that I don’t even recognize when I need a break.  To just sit  and be.  To read, to text, to shop, to close my eyes and breath.  I also don’t have many hobbies and so it’s easy for me to get lost in everyone else’s shuffle.  This is something I need to work on…actively work on, because it’s so easy for me to put myself on the back burner.  Interestingly enough, I just realized that the people in my Weight Watchers meetings who have had the most success seem to be the best at putting themselves first.  They also share the struggle of not doing so for so long.
  2. Find an activity that I enjoy and commit to doing it.  In the past, when I had success with my weight loss I also was training for a half marathon.  Initially, I didn’t love running.  It was something I wanted to try and as I did, I learned to love it.  Unfortunately, I let it fall to the way side and as a result, it now feels like a chore again (I am pretty sure I’ve written about this in the past).  Tomorrow morning, I am going to write down an exercise plan that I can follow (nothing insane or crazy). I’d like to start running again; however, I need to accept that short distances are just as significant as long ones.  I also joined Beach Body On Demand  so that I could complete some of their workouts at home (I joined in January or February…ask me if I have used it…).  Two that interested me were the 3 Week Yoga Retreat and Country Heat.  I figure these are also some easy, fun workouts that I can do while the baby plays, in the morning or even after he falls asleep at night.  Every little bit counts, right?
  3. Set my home and work settings up for success.  This weekend will be a great time to sit down, plan my meals for the week, grocery shop for what I need, and stock my spaces with the things I need to be successful.  I bought a personal fridge for work because the community refrigerator in my department is always packed. I wanted space to be able to set myself up for a week or two in order to make my nights a bit easier (in terms of packing lunch/snacks/breakfast daily).  By stocking my work fridge with healthy options, it allows me to only need to worry about packing a quick lunch each evening.  While this was my plan, I hadn’t actually done this since setting up the fridge (mainly because there were sporadic days off or because I didn’t make the time to shop for what I needed).  I also have the most success when I plan out my meals for the week,  Typically, I work backwards.  I will plan for dinner and then work out the rest of my points for the day from there.  This also works hand in hand in making some time for myself.  I actually really enjoy grocery shopping and haven’t been able to peacefully go in quite some time.  I am going to make it a point to return to my old weekly grocery shopping habit (which will help with my “me” time and with my success for the week).
  4. Attend my Weight Watchers meeting every Saturday.  This sets me up for a solid week, allows me to share my success/struggles, provides me with food for thought, and it’s something that I enjoy doing.  In fact, I have my best weeks when I attend my meeting.
  5. Track, track, track. The good, the bad, the ugly.  Whether or not I write it down doesn’t change the fact that I ate it.  Might as well write it down.
  6. Start on Saturday! Lately, I have found a reason to “cheat” Saturday, which leads to Sunday, Monday, Tuesday…Screw it, I’ll start again next Saturday.  I suppose that connects to Track, Track, Track.
  7. Write.  In writing, I am able to clear my mind space.