On Vulnerability

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After my mom died, I was very vulnerable.  I was ten years old and wanted to be loved. I had just lost the most important person in my life and no one ever acknowledged the significance of such loss. To top it off, what seemed like days later, my dad moved us in with his girlfriend and her children. I was myself (because that was all I could be at ten) and that just wasn’t good enough. I learned that in order to protect myself, I had to put up a wall and disguise my sorrow because sorrow was weakness.  Nothing was ever as it seemed and I had to be a quiet observer in order to determine what was safe, who was trustworthy, and how to interpret what was said in order to determine the truth.  To this day, I still have trouble meeting new people.  It takes me a long time to warm up because I exhaust myself with trying to determine whether or not they are deserving of my trust. Someone once said to me that I make people work really hard to earn my friendship and trust without them ever knowing that they are being put to the test.  I don’t think that I could say it better myself.

I tell you all of this because I am trying to dig deep to truly understand myself in order to be successful this time around. As I mentioned in the About Me section, I’ve joined Weight Watchers so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve been to a bunch of different meetings; however, my favorite leader/meeting is on Saturday mornings near my home.  She is phenomenal-she is the right balance of toughness and compassion with a dash of spunk.  I find that the best part of a good leader is that she attracts a good group.  Everyone is invested in the process, willing to share, friendly, and at a different point in their journey (something that I find helps me with mine).

This past Saturday, a girl who has been attending for about a year or so raised her hand to express her frustration about a stall in her weight loss despite accurately working the program (she joined when I was pregnant and unable to attend the meetings; however, I know of her story because she shares often on our Facebook Page which I still visited while growing my boy!)  As she expressed her frustration she began to cry.  As crazy as it sounds, I always find myself so envious of people in the meeting who are willing to fully open their hearts, even if it means having a moment of weakness.  Truth be told, I rarely raise my hand, but rather listen quietly (true to my character, as explained above).  Anyway, while I was thinking of how much I wish I could have the courage to do that, my leader made the following statement: “It’s okay to be vulnerable.”  She proceeded to say other things, however I sat balancing those words on my tongue.  It’s okay to be vulnerable.  It’s okay to be vulnerable.  This is something that I work on daily and something that I think acts as a road block in many areas of my life,  especially in the area of weight loss.

It’s scary to put yourself out there and face the fear of being judged, disappointed or ignored.  Yet, if you never do it, then you’ll never reach your greatest potential.  This is something that I plan to work on and something that I know will be one of my greatest obstacles as I proceed on this journey.

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