So after I wrote the Weight Loss games post, I had two really shitty weeks (eating wise). Truthfully, I fell off of the wagon completely. Both weeks, I attended my Saturday meeting and then told myself, I’ll start tomorrow. Tomorrow became Monday and then I tracked a little and decided that the following Saturday would be when I’d start anew. Of course, this didn’t happen and because of my flippancy, I gained 2.2 pounds. That number could have been way worse, but it could have also been WAY better.
Now, I know myself and the weight gain isn’t the issue, but rather the reason behind the weight gain. This has been my trouble since beginning my weight loss journey ten years ago. I am an emotional eater and when there is something going on in my head space, whether I realize it or not, I respond with food. This is something that I really need to hone into in order to end this cycle (…hence why I am writing about it. See, I am trying to be more vulnerable and share-doing so here is the easy part).
I had my most successful weight loss journey the year that my husband (then boyfriend) and I moved into our apartment together. I attribute this to getting out of my crazy house with my crazy family. There is certainly something to be said for living on your own.
I started my weight loss journey that year in September and in February decided that I would train for a half marathon. My weight went down from 200 to 170 pounds and then stalled. Despite this stall on the scale, running helped me to lose a ton of inches and it was one of the times that I felt beautiful, confident, and on track. Moreso, I actually loved running and was pretty much addicted. While I had started with the simple goal of running the 13.1 miles in May, there came a point where I would crave a run. I’m not sure why I fell off the wagon that time, but I slowly gained some of that weight back (not a lot, about 15 pounds). The real problem was that I stopped running. Once I no longer had the half marathon to train for, my runs became shorter and more inconsistent. Without a lofty goal, I suppose I didn’t feel the runs were worthy.
And once you stop…well I am sure you know how that goes.
For a moment, I forgot why I just went on that tangent, but I remember. In an effort to get inside my head, I need to figure out what was different that time and why I was so successful compared to now. I think the difference then was that I was living in a safe, happy place where I could finally focus on myself and only myself. Now, I think my struggle is trying to figure out how to be good to me while also balancing my time as a wife and mother. Having a baby throws a whole new wrench into caring for yourself.
Like most moms, I work full time and only have a few hours with my boy each day during the week. Because of this, I want to spend as much time with my son as humanly possible when I am not at work. Add a large sprinkle of guilt for not wanting to neglect my husband and this leaves little time for me.
My husband is great and tells me all the time that it’s okay to take a break and that it will help to make me an even better mom. I agree with this, but it’s the act of finding/taking time for myself that I am still trying to figure out. Let me just say that mom guilt has a whole new meaning…and I am already a guilty person as it is!
Anyhow, I think that this is one of the things that is impacting my ability to focus on losing the weight this time around.
Now I need to find a solution, a way of making myself a priority and actually sticking with it.
I have already made it a point to go to my meeting every Saturday. This is at least one hour or so that I get to be alone and focus on something important to me and my well being. Another thing that I have been trying to do (but that I struggle with because I feel like it isn’t a necessity) is going to get a manicure pedicure. It might sound silly, but it is one of the simple pleasures in life that I truly enjoy. It’s a little time just to myself to check my emails or sit in silence.
Finally, I want to get back into running. While this isn’t something that I can necessarily do alone, it is something that I can take time out of the day to complete with the baby that is still for me (and it doubles as fresh air for him which is really a win win). This week, I have made a commitment to walk three days, a little over two miles each day. Then, I plan on starting the Couch to 5k program to restart running (I’ll post more about this at a later date).
Wish me luck!
Moms/Dads, how do you make/find time for yourselves?