Take the First Step…

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Yesterday, I joined my work friends for a group photo (something I rarely do).  Later, said photo was sent to all of us via a group message.  After seeing the picture, I felt both horrified and embarrassed in that order.  Horrified because each of my colleagues now had access to this awful photo and embarrassed at the person I saw staring back at me.  As my own biggest critic,  unattractive, large, tired, lazy and disgusting were just a few of the words that came to mind.

That picture ruined the rest of my day.  I could not get if off of my mind and it only helped to amplify my negative self talk. I hate that I allowed something as simple as a picture to affect me in such a significant way.  I am tired of being tired.  Tired of feeling ugly (or worse, thinking that I look okay to then later see a picture or catch a glimpse of myself and feel utterly shocked).  I am tired of standing in my closet staring, tears in my eyes because I have nothing to wear. I am sick of feeling sad, eating, feeling worse and then repeating the cycle with no end.  Most importantly, I am tired of not loving myself with the unconditional love that I know I deserve.  It may sound cliche, but if anyone were to speak of/to my loved ones the way I speak to myself, I would have quite a few choice words for them…yet this is how I speak about me.

I know that looks aren’t everything.  In fact, I have many positive attributes, among them: intelligence, strength, passion, compassion, empathy, sympathy, drive and focus.  However, I feel that my inner strengths would only be amplified if I felt better about the way I look on the outside.

As a motherless daughter, I know far too well that life is short.  I don’t want to look back with a list of things I wish I did.  I want to live.  I want to be the best version of myself, not only for me, but for my husband, son, students, siblings, friends, etc.

I’ve been stuck here for a long time…I am ready to take my first step.

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