Yesterday, I joined my work friends for a group photo (something I rarely do). Later, said photo was sent to all of us via a group message. After seeing the picture, I felt both horrified and embarrassed in that order. Horrified because each of my colleagues now had access to this awful photo and embarrassed at the person I saw staring back at me. As my own biggest critic, unattractive, large, tired, lazy and disgusting were just a few of the words that came to mind.
That picture ruined the rest of my day. I could not get if off of my mind and it only helped to amplify my negative self talk. I hate that I allowed something as simple as a picture to affect me in such a significant way. I am tired of being tired. Tired of feeling ugly (or worse, thinking that I look okay to then later see a picture or catch a glimpse of myself and feel utterly shocked). I am tired of standing in my closet staring, tears in my eyes because I have nothing to wear. I am sick of feeling sad, eating, feeling worse and then repeating the cycle with no end. Most importantly, I am tired of not loving myself with the unconditional love that I know I deserve. It may sound cliche, but if anyone were to speak of/to my loved ones the way I speak to myself, I would have quite a few choice words for them…yet this is how I speak about me.
I know that looks aren’t everything. In fact, I have many positive attributes, among them: intelligence, strength, passion, compassion, empathy, sympathy, drive and focus. However, I feel that my inner strengths would only be amplified if I felt better about the way I look on the outside.
As a motherless daughter, I know far too well that life is short. I don’t want to look back with a list of things I wish I did. I want to live. I want to be the best version of myself, not only for me, but for my husband, son, students, siblings, friends, etc.
I’ve been stuck here for a long time…I am ready to take my first step.